Red Stripe in a can is as pointless as it is unremarkable

Red Stripe in tallboy format is new to me, so I picked up a few tins for a recent toffee pull with my scrapbook club.

Total mistake. I haven’t been this disappointed since the bedroom scene in The Bridges of Madison County.

It’s so flavourless, I had to look at the label to remind myself that it’s beer. And talk about marketing blunders – Red Stripe’s traditional stubby bottle was the only thing giving this beer curb-appeal outside of the Caribbean. Trying to solve your quality conundrum by offering a greater quantity is like a buy-one-get-one-free sale at a used jock strap outlet.

True, drinking Red Stripe is one of the most popular things to do on the beach in Jamaica. But, so is getting a beads braided into your hair.

Granted, I’ve never been to Jamaica. But I don’t need to test the wares at a kick-in-the-dick factory to know I don’t want to go there, either.

No Red Stripe, no cry.

Review: Brew Brothers Brewery’s Tumblewheat Wheat Ale

Beer is like a lot of different things, but for the purpose of this review, I’m gonna say it’s like re-runs of your favorite TV show. Everyone has a stable of favorite shows, and if there’s nothing else on to watch, I don’t mind going back to playing a couple of old, but funny episodes of Murphy Brown or Kate & Alley. Like TV, it’s important to have some utility beers on standby in case you find yourself something where there’s nothing around you like. Otherwise, you could end up with the One Tree Hill of beers.

Brew Brothers’ Tumblewheat Wheat Ale is just such a beer.  Entirely adequate for sitting at a pub, watching a ball game – and at the same time completely forgettable.

There’s nothing distinctive about Tumblewheat, which I guess means there’s nothing to complain about. But it also means there’s nothing compelling to make me order it again. Which is fine. We need reliable backup beers in our repertoire. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen douchebags act like deer trapped in headlights after they sidle up to a bar that has no Bud Light on tap. “Uh, is Guiness like Bud Light? No, uh, what about Kilkenny…,” and so on.

Like most pints of wheat ale, it’s served with a lemon wedge – and like most of the all the time I ignore it. If I wanted something bubbly and brown with a citrusy aftertaste I’d order a Lemon Pledge and Tonic.

Otherwise, like the sanitation engineer who empties my trash, I’ve got no problem with this beer, but I also probably won’t remember its name.

Shit. I switched analogies midstream. If you’re anal enough to comment about it, you’re in the wrong place.

Review: Coney Island Human Blockhead Lager

I really don’t like this beer.

It reminds me of getting punched in the nose after being busted staring at some dude’s girlfriend’s tits. Any happiness you might have been feeling is quickly replaced by a sudden dull pain and the slight taste of blood.

It’s brewed in New York by the guys behind Hebrew.

It’s got a… oh, who gives a shit, just don’t try this beer. The only people who like it probably have S&M dungeons in their basements.

How dare you, beer.

Review: Phil’s Pils by Half Pints Brewing

I didn’t mean to try this beer, but the store was out of the pilsner I was hoping to get and the snob managing the beer section recommended this one instead.

Brewed by Half Pints in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Phil’s Pils is an entirely drinkable beer.

The aroma’s great and for some reason reminds me of underage drinking. Light brown and opaque, Phil’s has a distinct and pleasant hopsy taste that doesn’t linger too long on the pallet.  I don’t taste the “malted honey flavour” advertised on the label, but then again I’m not a honey bee, so who gives a shit.

The bottle and packaging has a lame brown-on-olive treatment and makes the beer look like a Toyota Corolla parked among Ferrari’s in the beer section. I wouldn’t have given it a second look if the beer guy hadn’t recommended it. But I’m glad he did.

I’ve never been there, but something tells me this beer is a lot like Winnipeg. Kind of dull and non-descript on the outside but pretty tasty and not completely disappointing once you try it out.

I  didn’t even know they had beer in Winnipeg, but clearly someone over there knows what they’re doing.

REVIEW: Anchor Steam Beer

I had heard a lot of good things about Anchor Steam and I’m happy to report that I wasn’t disappointed. I wish I could say more about this San Francisco micro brew, but I got totally bent on the stuff and can’t remember much about flavour. But that speaks to the beer’s impressive drinkability factor, which on the night in question was 10 bottles of.

Normally, if I pick up a new craft beer that I don’t end up liking, it normally ends up out in the alley for the hobos. It happens frequently that the urban campers that frequent the back of my building have come up with a dance they perform when they don’t want me to like the beer I bring home. It sucks pretty bad, but beer isn’t the only thing in the alley that they find to drink.

Anyhow, this one was so good, I’m going to try the darker Anchor Steam Ale. It’s supposed to be stronger with more flavour and rich color that’s redder than the devil’s dick.

Stay tuned.