Obituary: iPod 30GB (White)

The funeral for iPod 30GB was attended by (from left) Hula Girl, Mini Hakeem Olajuwon, Galactic Starfighter, Sexy Lighter, Baron von Tofu and Sir Francis Bacon.

It is with great regret and sorrow that Beer&News announces the passing of iPod 30GB (White). iPod 30GB, as it was known to friends, served B&N diligently for almost 3 years before it was found dead in its owner’s car.

An autopsy determined that iPod 30GB was probably left playing on shuffle all day for, like, the 20th time this year. Although it could have also been all those times it was dropped on hard surfaces. Apple.com/ipod FAQs confirm that such abusive treatment of an iPod 30GB will drain its battery or damage its hard drive and result in a premature death – unless Apple Care is purchased to cover the cost of repair. Sadly, it was not, because it’s a total rip.

iPod 30GB lived through more abuse and questionable taste in music than most home electronics should. The Kelly Clarkson years were extremely hard on iPod 30GB and were only compounded by its owner’s brief obsessions with the Love Actually soundtrack, Maroon 5, select Dave Matthews hits and most recently, Fergie.

It will be remembered fondly for its reliability, scratched glass and chrome surfaces and enormous memory which sadly, was never fully filled. iPod 30GB is survived by a crappy iPod shuffle and a Mini Disc player that works sometimes, but not usually.

A small ceremony was held yesterday and was attended by the owner’s other toys after which the remains were placed in the junk drawer to be recycled once recycling iPods is easier to do. Well wishers are urged to send donations to the iPod 30GB Replacement Fund via a PayPal account to be identified shortly.